Do you feel helpless in your marriage? Do you struggle with thoughts that this whole marriage thing is SURELY not what it was hyped up to be? Do you feel like you just do not know the person you married anymore and confused if you should stay or find a way out of this torture you call a marriage?
Like I promised, this is the second part of my previous post debunking the excuses that people throw my way for not seeking the help of a marriage coach. The first part of this post took us through the reasons why an engaged couple might fight the thought, and my responses to their million and one excuses. In this second part, I will go through what excuses the married folks give to escape the work they need to do in order to make their marriage better!
I always get pulled aside and asked some very disturbing questions by married couples: “I can’t take my spouse’s emotional absence anymore, will they ever change?”, “I think my spouse is seeing someone else, can my marriage ever be fixed?”, “I believe my marriage is totally miserable, is it ok if I choose to stay for the kids?” These and many more are the questions I hear that literally bring me to my knees, especially when I see how many of the ‘inquirers’ choose to do nothing about their unhappy lives. More and more couples are choosing the highway and letting their marriage suffer by giving “reasons” such as:
- My spouse will never agree to talk to a third party about our issues.
- Nothing in life is perfect and I don’t believe that my marriage is meant to be perfect! (Let me just say that chasing perfection is fleeting! We just need to work towards being our greatest selves in our community, in our places of business, and definitely in our marriages.)
- My problems are too many, a coach won’t be able to fix them all.
- I can’t afford a marriage coach or find one in my area.
- Talking to a coach will mean that I admit I have major issues. Our issues aren’t that bad!
- I don’t have any real anger issues, I only hit my spouse once.
- I have already made up my mind that my marriage won’t work.
These are just some of the excuses I hear, there are tons more from where those came. My response to these objections is usually the same…You have the choice to pick one of the following options:
- To do nothing about your relationship and it stays the way it currently is. (So quit grouching about your spouse being the most annoying person ever!)
- To give up on your marriage and physically or emotionally check out. (Which in my opinion is the worst option!)
- To give things a chance and seek the necessary help to fix your marital issues. (Now you’re talking!)
Which option will you pick? Before you answer that, let me give you an indication of what each option entails;
- You choose to do nothing – Most couples who choose to do nothing also try to defy insanity, which is popularly defined as doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. I find that they believe that their marriage will become perfect just because they are “wishing” away their problems. Well, I have news for you, problems don’t just fizzle away, they require committed individuals to do the work that will bring real change to the marriage.
Work? Yes! Without this dreaded 4-letter word, your marriage remains a place of misery. Do you want to continue living in despair, anger, frustration, fear, shame or just plain misery? I highly doubt it!
Which then begs the next two options left: either you give up on your marriage and detach emotionally and physically, OR you transform your marriage.
- You choose to throw in the towel and save yourself from this life of misery – While this is an option, it is not always the best one! You can physically leave your marriage but you can’t run away from the bond you built with this person. The history you have built with your spouse is one that can not just be erased, you will be connected forever! Think of all the assets you have together and all the support you gave each other to grow socially, mentally, spiritually, materially etc. It is not easy to just get rid of all that history without it being extremely heart wrenching. Things become awkward with the trail of friends you made together, there’s stress from figuring out who is more financially responsible for the children and their well-being, custody battles and the list goes on. The extreme trauma a divorce puts you through is usually the main impact overlooked by many who decide to go down that path. You will hurt and potentially won’t model good behavior to the kids as your hurt would do all the talking for you. You essentially teach your children that they can run away from any issues they face.
This leads to your third and final option; one that makes a positive difference, as you shudder at the thought of things staying the same.
- You dare to do different and get some help to fix your marriage. You don’t give up on it and you find a qualified coach that can help you with the tools to live happier and take your relationship to the next level! Doing something about the situation always works better than just complaining about it.
Don’t be rigid and inflexible. Get help! Your marriage can surely use a tune-up in order to function at its best ever!
Sailing with you through it all,
ZeeZee is a certified Relationship and Marriage Coach who believes her purpose in life is to equip couples with the right tools for a successful relationship. Through her website and YouTube channel she shares practical tips and principles that help couples understand the inner workings of a healthy marriage.