What do you do if your spouse has never been attracted to you? There are lots of young (and old) marriages facing this predicament. Marriages where they probably have sex once a year… if that! The couples hardly speak and when they do, the conversations are neither deep, nor intimate. What do you do if this is you? What are your options? What might the problem be?
Before I try and answer these questions, I’d like to point out that this is about more than sex. If you are in this situation, odds are your spouse is also not meeting any of your other emotional needs. Yes, they might provide for you financially and might meet some of your non-core needs but you are probably lonely in such a relationship.
Beyond this, they are probably not letting you meet their own emotional needs that they married you to help fulfill either. You are probably not friends. You are probably not partners. I understand how this is a difficult situation to deal with if you are in it. So what do you do?
1. The first thing you must do is to be honest with yourself. What was your motive getting married in the first place? Was it because you knew they could provide for you? Was it because you were lonely? Or had you reached “marrying” age and marrying them was just a next logical step? Be honest with yourself! Most people in these types of situations know the answer to this question, but do not like to confront this truth. If you are able to, it will help you make the next critical decision.
2. The next thing I suggest you do is to see a marriage coach or counselor. The reason I suggest this is because you and your spouse are not in love and you must be in love in order to have a healthy marriage relationship. A good marriage coach is able to equip you with the tools you need to fall in love. However, if your spouse is not up for this and keeps kicking against all advice to get help, then you might have to take drastic steps.
3. The drastic step that might be better for you in this situation is what I like to call ‘time to rejuvenate’ your relationship. Not necessarily a divorce but a separation. If your partner is unwilling to be a partner in your life, unwilling to get the necessary help, unwilling to meet your emotional needs and does not allow you to meet theirs, then what is the point of being together? You both need time to rethink your vows of commitment and work towards a solid plan to get the purpose for your marriage back on track again.
Marriage is a partnership of extraordinary care. You have to be each other’s number one concern in life.
You have to be concerned about each other’s happiness. You have to be there for each other in difficult times. You have to be willing to sacrifice for each other and meet each other’s most important needs.
But it is not all bad news. It is possible to start off a marriage and not be attracted to one another but to eventually fall in love. I have seen this time and time again, when couples make that commitment to develop a loving relationship. However, you will need help to do this and both of you must be willing to accept this help.
For this to even be possible, your spouse has to come to a decision. They need to decide whether they are truly committed to meeting your emotional needs. If they are not willing to commit to this, then a temporary separation might be the only option. I know this is not an option for a lot of people based on their religious beliefs or financial dependence on such a spouse, but I hope in the least, my advice can give you a better understanding of the severity of your situation. I always encourage couples to harness the power in their belief system by continuously seeking God’s intervention to transform their relationships, whether troubled or not.
However, if such a transformation is to happen, you have to ask yourself if you have a role to play. The answer is a big fat Yes! You might need to make some changes. It could be that you are too controlling. It could be that you nag too much or are too critical. It could be your anger. If you have a spouse willing to make some changes, you need to be willing to make some as well. Talk openly with your spouse and again, be vulnerable and kind. If you want your spouse to trust you, do not lash out at them when they tell you their true feelings, as this will cause them to shut down. Take it all in and decide to be the change that you want to see all around you.
This is another area a marriage coach or counselor can really help you. They can help you identify your non-physical attributes that are leading to your spouse’s lack of attraction and help put you on a plan to address those faults. The rest will be up to you and your partner.
Hearing a few unconventional truths? My approach is to put it out there and encourage you both to work at fixing the issues you face. No need nursing resentment or covering up your true feelings. Open up about them to your partner. Remember that a healthy marriage is between two people who are not afraid to let go of their ego and the constant struggle to have more power than their partner! Love is humble not conceited!
To your total transformation,
ZeeZee is a certified Relationship and Marriage Coach who believes her purpose in life is to equip couples with the right tools for a successful relationship. Through her website and YouTube channel she shares practical tips and principles that help couples understand the inner workings of a healthy marriage.