One thing I always ask is; for the people I come across to listen with an open mind, because frankly, the reason why I get excuses hauled at me is mainly because people are operating from a very rigid and inflexible standpoint!

Now, I have seen and heard it all when it comes to the reasons why people detest the idea that they need marriage coaching prior to their getting married. A few times after introducing myself as a marriage coach, I see and feel the churning in people’s tummies! “Oh gosh!” I hear, “that’s very good ZeeZee!” with the most artificial smile they could muster, while thinking “Hey, I don’t need her for anything, I am in love with my fiancé and that’s all I need”!

Hold on! Wait a minute! Did you just say to me (or think to yourself) that a man or woman who is human, flesh and blood will get along with you perfectly JUST because you love them? Hmmm…let me see, being that they are human, they have their shortcomings (we ALL do so please spare me the “he’s/she’s perfect” line), you have not married them yet to see their reaction to different situations and most importantly, regardless of how long you have known them, you both have not been thrown into life and all its wiles just yet. That would be like saying, just because you love your pet, you wouldn’t spend time learning about them and training them to be able to live under the same roof with you.

Love is important, but it is a trick. People mistake the mushy feelings to be love! Nah, that’s just infatuation, and I have news for you, it wanes. We talk more in other posts why love is more than a feeling, but for now, I will focus on responding to the reasons why you would think that Marriage Coaching is totally unnecessary for you.

Love (a.k.a. the butterflies in your tummy or the goosebumps you get in the presence of your partner) is NOT enough. One after the other, the goosebumps will flatten out or the butterflies will settle, the more often you see your partner. Regardless of how perfect you think they are now, living with them and going through life’s experiences with them will expose parts of the person and yourself that you probably did not even know existed.

With the wrong approach in this situation, the next thing that happens is you begin to grow apart. Why else do you think a lot of married people might say to you that marriage is not all it is cut out to be? A coach works with you before you say your “I Do’s” to prepare you with the necessary skills to realize when you are about hit an iceberg in your relationship and steer you clear of it.

The tools and techniques offered, in addition to the commitment you show towards your union, IS what will take you through your entire married life unscathed.

People also tell me how a couple of friends who went through coaching called off their engagement because they learned something that they just couldn’t commit to facing with their partner. This fear begs the question; after all that money you plan to spend on your wedding and all the fanfare comes with the celebrations, would you rather live your entire life in misery with the wrong person just because you just didn’t want a qualified and trained “third party” to lay out the facts for you and make plain and simple the truth as it is? It surprises me that most people spend all their efforts on preparing for their wedding day (one day…or several days depending on your culture :D), instead of applying all that effort into planning and learning about their future lives together.

From talking to a couple in one session and seeing how they communicate, I can tell if they will be newlyweds who turn out to be “formerly weds” in the not so far future. So, if you are afraid that your engagement might be called off, then yes, don’t see a marriage coach, but if it is more important for you to know the truth about your impending nuptials, then yes, see a marriage coach and be saved from a life of misery.

“A marriage coach can not possibly know everything about marriage!” I hear this sometimes as well, and I agree, the same way I think that a doctor who people entrust their lives to doesn’t know EVERYTHING there is to know about the human body and hence the existence of research and specialists. When we go to the doctor (well…as long as he is reputable), 95% of the time, once after tests have been carried out, he/she can distinctly tell you what the issue you are facing is. The other 5% of the time, they might need more time to research the results of the test as something just doesn’t add up! Ever watched the TV series HOUSE?

I bet you that if all professions can reel out the answers 100% of the time, then the world would be a much safer, cleaner and healthier place to live in. Knowing that the doctor is right a majority of the time is all the succor we need to leave our lives in their hands, so why should the same not be said for a marriage coach? One who is qualified and trained in every aspect of that word and possesses the most important knowledge and experience. One who teaches you how to build a long standing relationship where each partner knows they are imperfect BUT are committed to keeping it together by always caring more for the other person than themselves. Hey, if you can’t trust that person to help you through working on your relationship, I don’t know who else you can!

The fourth reason I hear is; “My partner thinks we are fine and wouldn’t want someone in our business”, OR “We like our privacy!”. I like to respond in the following way to that excuse “Soon enough, with enough pressure in your marriage, whether you like it or not, your privacy will NO longer be yours”. When a couple is happy people can tell, the same way they can tell if they are miserable. Your fear for privacy while important, shouldn’t be a reason not to learn how to have a happy and healthy relationship! Just find a coach you can work with who is reputable for being discreet and keeping your confidentiality in high regard. You end up in a win-win situation here.

Something I also hear…“I bet you marriage coaching is expensive!” Have you even tried finding out the cost before you write it off? There are tons of ways to get the necessary help without breaking the bank. A good marriage coach will work with you and provide you tools that will help you offline, if it turns out that you can not afford to have consistent one-on-one discussions with them. There are very successful techniques embedded within books, audio materials and exercises etc. that they can offer to you which will cost just a fraction of what it would if you had frequent one on one sessions with them.

This response is also the same I give to any one who uses the excuse; “I just don’t have the time to go for coaching”! Again, the marriage coach can proffer solutions that you can work on together offline, do a bunch of skype calls (thank God for the internet) and mostly, work with you to figure out what time works the best for you both. Remember, better you put that time in on the front-end rather than when the relationship is in dire straits.

Again, there are a million and one reasons you can give to avoid doing the right thing by seeking help with your relationship before you marry, all of them of course are just…excuses! Like everything in life, you have choices…and options. The options you have come down to:

  1. Marry the mate of your “dreams” and venture into a marriage that is not at the best level of intimacy, one without effective communication and just lacking in bliss. OR
  2. Change your marriage to be for the best and have the most tried and tested tools to a blissful and amazing union.

As I always like to say, Life is too short to be miserable in your relationship. Who wants to live the rest of their life unhappy? Eliminate anger, frustration, fear and all that come with a bad relationship. Get some help to understand the pillars that make a sound relationship, implement the fixes and experience the beauty of a loving and committed marriage forever.

Dare to do something different and DO SOMETHING!

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About ZeeZee

ZeeZee is a certified Relationship and Marriage Coach who believes her purpose in life is to equip couples with the right tools for a successful relationship. Through her website and YouTube channel she shares practical tips and principles that help couples understand the inner workings of a healthy marriage.