Are you wondering why your spouse does not talk to you as much as he did when you were dating? How do you fix this? What happens if you can’t? Can it end your marriage?

I’d first like to mention the fact that this is a common problem. Women particularly tend to have this problem with their husbands more than the husbands with their wives. Most women notice their husbands talk less once in the confines of marriage.

So this brings me to the real question most spouses having this problem neglect to ask themselves.

That question is “when you were dating how did the conversations go then?”

You find that men are more talkative when you are dating. They call you more, text more, etc. They are willing to talk about pretty much anything you want to talk to them about. They are willing to talk about your hair, your clothes, how you look. They are willing to gossip with you. I could go on and on.

Why?

It is because this is what men do, when they are falling in love. They talk to you about everything.

But things are different once they have fallen in love with you, especially when they are now married to you. It doesn’t necessarily mean they care less for you. As a woman, you just need to understand your man is a different person in these two phases.

Men talk to you a lot more when you are dating and when they are still in the falling in love phase because they want you to be a part of their lives.

Now that they have a ring on it, they do not have to work as hard. Don’t shoot the messenger but this is honestly how most men feel, even though they might not admit it.

Men are simply more vocal when you are dating because they want to enable the process of you getting together permanently.

So if you are thinking, “but he talked to me a lot before we got married!” the answer is yes, because he wanted to be married to you.

What is the solution?

The first thing to keep in mind is; do not assume he will still be willing to talk about some of the things you guys talked about, before you got married. Remember, he was only willing to talk about those things because he wanted to marry you. Now that you are married he is no longer interested in those things (actually he never was) so he just won’t make an effort because his original mission is achieved, which was to marry you.

So while he might have been willing to talk gossip and talk to you about the same things you talk to your girlfriends about, he just won’t put in the effort now because his motivation is gone.

So what you guys need to do is to find new things to talk about that are actually interesting to him.  You need to think through your conversations and ask yourself “what topics do you guys discuss?”  You need to find topics that matter to the both of you.

You have to FIND topics that will bring conversation out of both of you!

It might be sports. It might be business. It might be politics. Talk to him about things that he is passionate about, topics that cause his eyes to light up.

Keep in mind, these types of conversations are simply meant to stimulate more communication between you and your spouse. They serve as an excellent conduit to more serious conversations, such as conversations to solve marital issues or to plan your future together.

“Did you hear about this in the news?”

“Did you see that video that was posted on FaceBook?”

“I learned something new today!”

So why is this connected to the health of your marriage?

If you are able to have these idle conversations you’re more likely to have problem solving conversations as well. The beauty of having these types of conversations is they give you an opportunity to meet an emotional need the other person might have. Talking to your spouse about something they care about gives you a chance to reassure them that you care about the things they care about.

When you are solving problems the right way in marriage through effective communication, you are getting to understand your spouse better in the process. And the ability to deal with conflict appropriately is what is going to keep your marriage healthy.

Take conflict as an example. If you do not agree on something, the strategy of the person who refuses to talk might be to just give in. The problem is this will eventually lead to them harboring negative feelings about you. And once your spouse begins doing that, they have started the process of falling out of love with you.

The ideal solution is to find a middle ground that works for the both of you. You might not get there if you do not already have an established process of effective communication. Without that, the offended spouse often doesn’t get a chance to tell their partner how they feel about the situation, because the habit of not communicating is already established.

Conflict is not all bad as long as it is well managed with effective communication instead of silent treatment. Communicating effectively allows you talk through your issues in the right way, so you can resolve your problems in a way that everyone wins. But to get to this point, you must be in conversation in the other areas of your life.

So in summary, discover what you both like to talk about and talk about those things. This will make it easier to have problem solving conversations, which then makes it easier to have conflict resolution conversations.

It just might save your relationship!

Much Love,

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About ZeeZee

ZeeZee is a certified Relationship and Marriage Coach who believes her purpose in life is to equip couples with the right tools for a successful relationship. Through her website and YouTube channel she shares practical tips and principles that help couples understand the inner workings of a healthy marriage.