Do you spend enough quality time as a couple or are there distractions, such as your careers, that prevent this? Or is it your kids? Outsiders? How do you minimize these distractions? I have a few ideas I’d like to share.

Quality time with our spouse is needed to meet some of the most important emotional needs we have. These needs can not be met in any other way than when we have each other’s full attention and there are no distractions.

For instance, there should not be distractions when you are having sex. That is not the time to multitask. (Unless of course that is what the both of you are into).

And in marriage, important emotional needs must be met or you will lose your love for each other. Before I go on, I will like to mention what I heard an astute businessman say, “The term quality time was invented by a business man with a very hectic schedule!” When I say quality time, I do mean uninterrupted time, but also, a good chunk of time. While a 15-min back rub, or a 5-min quickie can be breathtaking, the ‘quantity of the quality time’ you spend together is equally important in order for you to reap the benefits of a loving relationship.

If you look back to the beginning of your relationship, you’ll remember that you fell in love with your spouse because they were able to meet some of your emotional needs. They showed you deep care and admiration by taking you out to dinner, taking you on long drives, spending hours on end on the phone (long distance sweethearts feel me on this one), engaging in deep, intimate conversations amidst other things you were looking for in a relationship. The love you developed for your spouse was as a result of all this quality time you both spent together.

Now, the challenge to this need for quality time, becomes the OTHER motivating factors that inspired you to get married such as; the longing to have kids of your own, the determination to build a career and legacy, a desire to create wealth, and so on. They end up distracting you from being able to devote the necessary quality time required for your marriage to thrive.

So next thing you know, your affection, your deep intimate conversations reduce. Sex goes out the window because again, these things require undivided attention, and have become a scarce commodity in your evolving relationship.

These changes of course lead to frustration, meaning you are arguing and disrespecting each other more, and to make matters worse, the quality time that is meant to create the positive interactions in your relationship do not happen enough to cancel out the negative interactions you create when you argue.

In summary, no quality time, no quality marriage.

But what if you have legitimate distractions like kids or your career, what do you do?

The first point I’d like to make is busy people have to see this quality time with their spouse as their reward for the day, their reward for all the hard work they put into their career, raising kids etc. Until this time becomes something they look forward to, they will never make the time. They have to see it as how they “unwind”. I notice a lot of busy people like to reward themselves in other ways such as buying stuff or traveling solo, or watching their favorite shows as a way to unwind. Frankly, I find that they rather veg out in-front of a box that won’t challenge them or talk back, especially after such a hectic day. While I totally understand these actions of retreat, it shows that there is trouble in paradise and something needs to be fixed because it will only go downhill from there.

My view is, if you earn money for all the hard work you put in, don’t buy new things!  Use that money to buy yourself some quality time with your spouse. Hire a baby sitter. Use that money to buy an experience with your spouse. Take your spouse to a nice dinner. Spend the night at a hotel so you can have uninterrupted sex without worrying about kids. If your relationship is a bit off track, use the money to get professional marriage coaching help to get it back on track.

Remember, this is about undivided attention spent with your partner alone, so hanging out at home with your kids does not count, unless of course it’s at a time when they are asleep and can not interrupt you. You just have to prioritize your time together over everything else.

The reality is when you take these actions you will be securing your relationship. And that is one of the best things you can give your kids. When you and your partner spend adequate time together meeting each other’s needs (and I do not just mean sex people), there is this peaceful energy in your home that helps the kids thrive and causes them to feel extremely loved and wanted. You find that the both of you work together towards their welfare and that helps build a positive experience at home for them. For all those moms and dads who busy themselves with their kids and neglect their spouses, expect the kids to grow up believing they were smothered, not loved. Two heads are certainly better than one. Never forget that.

My husband and I, like most, are extremely busy and our kids are between the ages of 7 and 3. In spite of our hectic schedules we squeeze out 11 – 15 hours of undivided attention each week, most times without having to leave home!

This just takes some planning. We have trained our kids to go to bed by 8pm everyday so when we are not working in the evenings, we are able to have a few hours to ourselves without distractions. We have friends and other commitments but we never let them interfere with this time.

We have found what works for us, because we spoke openly about it and worked out the solution together. I’ll be more than happy to speak with you and your spouse about the gaps in your schedule and other changes you need to make to your daily lives that could help create enough quality time for the both of you.

Keep on talking and loving,

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About ZeeZee

ZeeZee is a certified Relationship and Marriage Coach who believes her purpose in life is to equip couples with the right tools for a successful relationship. Through her website and YouTube channel she shares practical tips and principles that help couples understand the inner workings of a healthy marriage.