Are you married but still have friends of the opposite sex? Experiences of a married majority suggest that you shouldn’t! And I’ll tell you why.

First let me clarify, I do not mean you should ‘throw away’ ALL your friends of the opposite sex. For example, if you are a woman and you have a male childhood friend who also becomes good friends with your husband and hangs out with your husband even without you, that male relationship is probably safe. However, if it is someone your husband is not close to, doesn’t approve of or doesn’t even know exists, yet you chose to hang out with that person frequently after marriage, you might be setting yourself up for disaster. The same goes for any female friends a man might have.

So here’s why. In marriage you are going to argue, disagree and fight. And while this is happening it becomes difficult communicating effectively with your partner. This is when most people make their first mistake. They look for someone else to speak to, about their relationship problems. An even bigger mistake is if their confidant is of the opposite sex.

When you speak to decent people about your problems, they typically show you care. Odds are we all consider people we call friends decent, including the ones who are of the opposite sex. The issue is, receiving care from someone of the opposite sex is extremely dangerous when you are having relationship problems because you are likely to fall for this person who is showing you care and understanding.

Once you get married, you become used to your spouse caring about you. This caring spouse may withdraw that care, if you both find yourselves in conflict. Once this happens you are likely to feel like you need to fill that void. The problem is most your “guards” that protected you from getting hurt (especially when you were single) are probably down, making you vulnerable to developing emotional feelings for anyone who shows you care easily. You are most likely to fall for someone of the opposite sex, when you are having unresolved problems with your spouse.

When you are married and having issues with your spouse, one of the most effective ways to resolve your conflict is to take a walk down memory lane. Remember why you got married to them, remember the things you love about your spouse, in spite of how they might be acting during your current disagreement. You have to be able to remember that their current behavior is not necessarily their character; it is a temporary behavior they are exhibiting. And this matters because you fell in love with their character.

However, if you begin discussing these temporary issues with a friend of the opposite sex who is also showing you care, your mind and your emotions become clouded. Instead of being able to remember what you love about your spouse and why you married them, your mind and emotions shift focus to how interesting this friend of your is, and you begin wondering why you never noticed certain things about them before and how they seem to understand and appreciate you, which is exactly what you are craving from your spouse. It becomes difficult to actually give your problems with your spouse the attention and focus it deserves, making it more difficult to resolve issues.

You become more motivated to live a separate life from your spouse, a separate life that allows you the freedom to enjoy the attention you are getting from your friend. A separate life that allows you to let the feelings you are developing for your friend to blossom. A separate life that will probably lead to the end of your marriage.

So what do you do, if you have friends of the opposite sex, who are not necessarily friends with your spouse?

DO NOT talk to them about your relationship problems! Period! If you are having problems, please find someone else to discuss the problems with! There are always other options out there of people you can talk to, besides friends of the opposite sex. If the problems are minor, seek out a friend of the same sex. If the problems are severe, I am not a fan of talking to friends, period! I outline the reasons why not to in: why you shouldn’t take relationship advice from your friends. I would suggest reaching out to a marriage coach/counselor in more severe situations. Good luck!

To your success,

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About ZeeZee

ZeeZee is a certified Relationship and Marriage Coach who believes her purpose in life is to equip couples with the right tools for a successful relationship. Through her website and YouTube channel she shares practical tips and principles that help couples understand the inner workings of a healthy marriage.