Ever wondered if your spouse values your existence in their world?

A common problem I notice with couples that I coach is that one partner feels like they don’t matter in the relationship. They feel like they are not adding any significant value. Is this you? If it is then I hope this post will help.

Success always has its drawbacks. One of the benefits of being a successful man (or woman) is that your spouse doesn’t necessarily have to work outside the home to help support the family. This is a trend that is common with a lot of African couples I’ve coached.

You find that even when the wife works, her job is basically seen as a way to keep herself “busy”, as far as her husband is concerned. Even in her primary role of managing the home and the kids, there is little for her to do because there’s a nanny to tend to the kids and a steward to maintain the house – all this being paid for by the husband.

And of course due to his success, he’s away from home for long hours and is usually exhausted when he gets home. He wants dinner (oh, there’s a cook he’s paying to make that too!).

Then he wants sex.

And if his wife is a good woman (yes, I said it) she’ll give it to him.

So now he’s a happy camper because she gives him sex.

His wife should be happy right? She is meeting her husband’s needs and that should build her confidence and let her know she matters to him. Right?


So the thing is, we do not derive our value from how people react to the things we do for them. We derive our value from what they are willing to do for us.

Think about it! As a Christian, I do not love God because of how God reacts to the things I do for Him. I love God because of what I know God does for me. Let’s be honest!

So even if a woman is meeting her husband’s emotional needs, she won’t feel like she matters to him – unless he is willing to meet her own emotional needs!!!

And this is where a lot of busy, successful husbands fail. Your wife won’t derive her value from the nice cars you buy her or the jewelry or the trips or the expensive gestures you make.

You have to meet her emotional needs if you want her to know she matters to you.

So, if you are working too hard and it causes you to be emotionally unavailable for your wife (or husband) you might need to slow down.

And if you are the spouse who is affected by this, encourage your spouse to be more affectionate. Be honest to them. Let them know that THIS is how you know you matter to them. Let them know it is not enough to just appreciate the things you do for them (even though it’s important they appreciate it). They have to give you the one thing that is a part of the real reasons we are in a relationship.

To have our emotional needs met!

We want to feel valued. One of my favorite scriptures is: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son”.

God knows that the best way to show us that He loves us, is by what He is willing to do for us. The reason we know we matter to God, the reason there is a scripture that says “Who art man, that you are mindful of him?” is because we know we matter to God, because of what He is willing to do for us.

One of the things God was willing to do for us, in the form of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ also helps us put into perspective how we see any other gift God gives us, like money, health etc. We are confident that God gives us out of His abundance. However, the sacrifice of Jesus was very special as He allowed it because we matter enough to Him to sacrifice His only Son for us!

We derive our value in God from how we know God sees us. It is no different in marriage.

So finally, may you and your spouse matter to each other as you matter to God. May you value yourselves, as God values you. May each of you find a way to show your spouse that they are valuable – as God has shown us we are valuable.

May our love ALWAYS matter!

Watch my video, 5 reasons to trust the love languages system to learn how to communicate to your spouse how you want them to show that they value you. It’ll be the start to a well-deserved change in your relationship.

Working towards your value-filled experience,




About ZeeZee

ZeeZee is a certified Relationship and Marriage Coach who believes her purpose in life is to equip couples with the right tools for a successful relationship. Through her website and YouTube channel she shares practical tips and principles that help couples understand the inner workings of a healthy marriage.