Is talking about your love language with your spouse effective? Will it actually get you more love? Will it really make it easier to love your spouse? Does it take away from the spontaneity of love?

The 5 love languages is a system developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, a renowned clinical psychologist who has done extensive research on marriage and written about his findings in tons of books. His research basically summarizes the ways we want our partners to express love to us into 5 categories.

1. Words of affirmation
2. Physical touch
3. Quality time
4. Acts of service
5. Gifts

Here’s a brief run down of each of the categories:

Words of affirmation would mean your partner wants you to let them know you love them by the things you say. Meaning you must constantly tell them you love them, they are doing great, you appreciate them and the things they do for you and the kids if you have any. I’m sure you get the picture.

If physical touch is your partner’s love language, it means they want you to show them you love them by being intimate with them as much as possible. This doesn’t just pertain to sex but could simply mean they want constant physical contact with you such as hugs, kisses, holding their hand, running your fingers through their hair or whatever.

Sure you get the picture here too.

Quality time means they want just that – quality time with you. When they have your undivided attention and get to do things they enjoy doing with you and possibly things you enjoy doing as well.

Acts of service basically means they want you to do stuff for them to show your love. Could be as simple as you being willing to run difficult errands for them to you getting them flowers because they like flowers.

Lastly, gifts. If you love me buy me gifts! Needs no explanation.

So now that we know what the love languages are. Why does it work? It works because you no longer have to guess what your spouse wants from you! You simply ask! You no longer have to think about it! You simply say to your partner “ok, so I want to love you the way YOU want to be loved. Not how I FEEL I should love you. I plan to love you in all 5 of these ways but I need your help. Can you rank each one based on what’s most important to you?”

So for example if words of affirmation is most important to your partner and gifts are least important, you focus your efforts of showing them love by speaking words of affirmation. It really is that simple. It also doesn’t mean that you would never have to buy them gifts, it just means you now know what you do the most to show them love.

Some other reasons this works:
1. Men for example are logical and work better with clear instructions. This simplifies the process of explaining what you want to him.
2. You get what you want not what they think you want or want to give. Everyone deserves to be loved they way they want to be loved.
3. It helps improve communication. It forces the both of you to talk since expectations change from time to time and season to season.                                                                                       4. It forces you to confront conflict head on. Disagreements on acts of service and quality time and other elements of the love languages are major root causes of conflict. Talking about this regularly kills conflict at its root.                                                                                                                    5. It Increases positive interactions and drowns out negative ones so you remain in love even when you do have conflict.

Do you know your partner’s love language? I hope you see these as good reasons to find out.

Here’s to no more guess work!

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About ZeeZee

ZeeZee is a certified Relationship and Marriage Coach who believes her purpose in life is to equip couples with the right tools for a successful relationship. Through her website and YouTube channel she shares practical tips and principles that help couples understand the inner workings of a healthy marriage.